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I want to live closer to you.
I hate living so far away.
I want to be able to get home from work, take care of my animals and then sneak over to see my goddaughter and have cookies - or make dinner with you.
I feel like I bring chaos to your life.
where you are solid and grounded I am flighty and unexpected.
I miss you so terribly sometimes I feel like I'll never see you again -
I want things the way they were so long ago and yet I know I love the changes we've been through together.


Movement. i move my toes sometimes and dance with them. not with them -- using them. the rhythm moving through the bones in my feet. its like my legs are fireworks waiting to explode with dance. and i'm sitting on this giant grenade, wondering when I'll blow.

I cried last night because of the negativity of people. my boss got mad because I gave a kitten I found to a coworker who is also overloaded...
its the first time i've pretty much ever done that. but i need a break.
i love these fosters but they need to go and they're not growing fast enough for me to get them out in a safe amount of time. and each and every day they are here drops me one day further away from having actual free time to think and to breathe and to MOVE.
i came dangerously close to cutting last night. and the interaction (or lack thereof, as the information that I was given was second hand and not directly from her) between my boss and I - pushed me there. I kept screaming in my head I JUST WANT A FUCKING BREAK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. A FUCKING BREAK. I DO EVERYTHING FOR THIS ORGANIZATION. I PUT HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS EVERY SINGLE MONTH INTO THIS JOB. I STAY LONG HOURS AND DO WORK NO ONE ELSE BOTHERS TO DO. I WANT A FUCKING GODDAMNED BREAK. and then i second guessed myself and told myself I was stupid for wanting a break because i do not deserve one.
It's like i'm getting stronger but that fucking kicking midget gets me every single goddamned time.
i KNOW what i need. and every single second i get a tiny bit closer to understanding what i want... or what i may want.... and then he comes after me. finger wagging, pushing me, shoving me back into the hole i had grappled to escape from moments before. you dont deserve it. work harder. harder. harder. harder.

i am starting to rip myself from the grasp of negativity - granted, the kicking midget doesn't help - but as far as friends and loved ones go -- I don't have much tolerance anymore for lack of kindness. I even feel bad when I get road rage - i need more positivity - and less negativity - because thats the only way i'm going to get through this.

i cried last night - really cried... for the first time in forever.
I dont know whats going on with these meds. im tired - but then i started smoking and upping my caffeine intake in the AM and it seemed to get better.
i need to actually get moving.